DECISION 2008…..Your Vote Matters!
Of course, I’m kidding. Your vote doesn’t really matter. Ask Al Gore. But we Americans do love to feel like we’re a part of things, so every four years many Americans pretend they don’t know about the Electoral College. It’s cute, really. You are pretending, right?(If you just opened another tab and Googled “electoral college”, please never read my blog or anything else again. And please, for the love of Christ, don’t reproduce. And if you have already reproduced, please drown your spawn immediately).
Where were we? Ah yes, the presidential race. I love the process. Love to watch the people get all worked up over supporting their candidates…bumper stickers, yard signs, buttons, endless absurd conversations and heated debates between people about whom the candidates don’t give the first shit. And, most importantly, between people who have absolutely no decision making power in the election of the President. Let’s say you are a huge supporter of Ron Paul (why? I don’t know….maybe you’re borderline retarded). And let’s say you vomit your prepared Ron Paul sales pitch all over my shirt. Then, let’s say I have hit my head several times and decide to also be a Ron Paul supporter. Then I start running around vomiting on people’s shirts. What has been accomplished? Not a goddamned thing. It’s all nothing but balderdash. We have both wasted our energy (Al Gore hates it when you waste energy).
But still, this time around is a lot of fun to watch. It’s always a gas to listen to wealthy liberal candidates pandering to the “common people”, pushing all the right buttons with their populist rhetoric. Even more fun to watch people eat it up and believe that the rich attorney “really does care about me”. It’s the same every time, with the same result. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Watching the Republicans who are vying for the White House is never as fun for me because very rarely does one of them have a pulse. The right also employs the same tactics every time, and the Limbaugh listeners throw their support behind whichever detached Jesus Freak seems most likely to keep Mexicans and black folks out of their yards. But the Republicans lack passion. Always have. Not nearly as entertaining as the Democrats. Hearing one conservative Godsucker criticize another conservative Godsucker for being a member of a religion in which Jesus and Satan are brothers makes me want to scratch out my own eyes with a pencil, eat them, pass them through my colon, and smear the waste in the hair of said conservatives.
That was a bit much.
But this time around, even the Democrats bore me. Not coming close to the hype.
“We’re making history!”
“We could get our first woman President!” Who? Is there a woman running? Maybe Edwards has a vagina…
“We could get our first black president!” Obama? Seriously? He’s about as black as Wayne Brady. Or Greg Brady. He’s that “safe” kind of black, the kind that liberal white apologists love because it makes them feel open minded. Like Wayne Brady. White women love Wayne Brady. Why? Because he’s a safe black guy. He seems nice. He seem, well….white. The same is true of Obama. He could have been the light-skinned Huxtable kid, for Christ’s sake. When Jesse Jackson, an actual black guy, ran for the presidency, he had virtually no support, even from guilty white liberals. Why? Too black. He talked about…um…black things. He sounded black. Too black, even for white people trying to be open minded.
Gore is too busy to run again. He’s still in Florida, counting them just this one last time…
Really, no one else is viable, so I shan’t even type their names. Hey Libertarians, give it up. It’s NEVER going to happen. Move to fucking Canada. And take Alec Baldwin with you. I thought he swore to leave the United States if Bush was re-elected.
So what’s the point of all of this? I’m not sure, but soon the new season of American Idol will begin. Finally, someplace my vote really does count.
Gull
Posted by mgull on 01/07 at 10:32 PM