Stay Away From Me
Here’s a thought. If your IQ is lower than the top speed of your car, stay away from me. Yeah, that’ll work out nicely for everyone. It appears I reached my “dealing with dumbasses” quota sometime in the late 90s, and just can’t seem to muster the tolerance anymore. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.Where are my manners? I haven’t introduced myself. My name’s Michael Gull and I’ll be occupying this space until enough of you demand my removal. I’m a 41 year-old divorced dad who performs in comedy clubs and casinos. Prior to embarking on my illustrious standup comedy career five years ago, I was a private investigator who had the pleasure of examining, up close, the worst of what we humans do to one another. I voted for Reagan twice, own a gun, and pretty much survive on coffee and cigarettes with the occasional bourbon dessert thrown in. That’s enough background for now.
Here’s another thought. If you are under the impression that you have the right to tell other people how to live, stay far away from me. If you’re heterosexual, your opinion on gay marriage is meaningless. Unless you have a uterus, you don’t have anything legitimate to say about abortion. Your religious morals do not give you the right to make the rules for anyone but you and your unfortunate children. Never forget that. Oh yeah, and stay away from me.
Others who are invited to steer clear of me include: white guys who call each other “bro;” anyone who claims to know the “truth” about 9/11; Bernie Mac; anybody who thinks Green Day is a punk band; people with that white spit thing that travels from their top to bottom lip when they speak; each and every person who claims to have a personal relationship with a guy who died 2,000 years ago; the morons who use the teachings of the aforementioned dead guy as a weapon; people who suddenly loved Christopher Reeve after he became paralyzed; and – though this in no way completes the list – anyone who can name the last three winners of American Idol, but can’t name three members of Congress.
Again, if any of the above applies to you, please stay far away from me at all times. Never engage me in conversation. Never tell me about your god. Never make eye contact with me.
Unless you have a lazy eye. I find lazy eye highly entertaining and will talk to anyone possessing one, regardless of how stupid or misguided that person may be.
Gotta go. I miss you already.
Gull
Posted by mgull on 10/29 at 11:44 PM