Just like you, Matt Wild plays (played?) in a rock and roll band and is constantly broke. He has all his original hair, however, and weeps openly at baseball games.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Late Night Christmas Television Killed My Dog
In case you hadn't noticed, it's the holiday season, which can mean only one thing: really shitty bands doing really shitty versions of Christmas songs on late night talk shows. Forget about the "from-the-heart" gift cards, the increasingly inebriated families and the Too-Hot-For-TV virgin births: this unfortunate phenomenon is the true sign of the season.
Last night brought not one, but two! of these atrocities, both equally unnecessary, both equally horrific. First up was the always unbearable Tonight Show. When he wasn't busy reading typos from Chinese restaurant menus or sweating his way through another B-lister interview, Jay Leno went to great lengths to make sure our collective psyches were forever scarred by having Twisted Sister perform a not-so-stirring rendition of "Come All Ye Faithful." Now don’t get me wrong: I enjoy Twisted Sister as much as the next unemployed, 28 year-old college graduate. I enjoy their videos (featuring that one guy from Milwaukee) and usually find lead singer Dee Snider one of the more passable commentators on the many horrors that VH1 calls "original programming." Even the band's performance of a beloved holiday standard was inoffensive at worst (basically a straight lift of "We're Not Gonna Take It"). No, the thing that really chilled my bones was the sight of five 50-something men dressed up as, well...Twisted Sister. When I say "dressed up," I mean exactly that: instead of looking like an actual band, the group looked more like a bunch of out-of-work dish washers on their way to an ill-concieved "80s metal" theme party being thrown at a bowling alley. Snider actually looked semi-passable – all makeup and tasseled shoulder pads – but the other guys...yikes. I'm pretty sure the lead guitarist was wearing a wig, and the drummer looked eerily like a Chicago Bears' third-stringer from 1985 (remember: the Bears aren't here to start no trouble). Everyone looked suitably tired, however, and the audience responded in kind. Best moment: watching the roughed-up-looking bass player shake hands with 12 year-old hellspawn Dakota Fanning.
Not to be outdone, the otherwise reliable – though forever inessential – Aimee Mann dropped by Late Night with Conan O’Brien and pulled out all the stops with a really, REALLY shitty version of that one song from How The Grinch Stole Christmas. You know, the "I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole, Mr. Grinch" song. Now, for whatever reason, I've always hated all things Dr. Seuss (I know, I know, it's akin to hating kitties and ponies), and this particular rendition did nothing to quell that hate. Complete with a narrator, sound effects and at least one Penn brother, the only thing more disturbing was Mann's expressionless, recently tightened scare-mask that passes for her face these days. Oh well, she used to be kind of hot...
...Which reminds me, here's a complete list of female talk show hosts - past and present - that I find strangely attractive:
Megan Mullally
Rikki Lake
Please note that Oprah is not included in this exhaustive list. Why? Because even on a good day, Oprah’s mug is downright terrifying. I spend at least an hour a day weeping for Stedman.
Also: it’s fricken’ 50 degrees outside and I broke my toe. Happy holidays.
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