Messiah Simplex

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Smell My Neck

Last week, at my twice-monthly Former Child Star Support meeting, Danny Bonaduce practically begged me to kick his ass. From the moment I sat down, the chubby redheaded “Partridge Family” bastard would not stop looking at me.

As that little gay kid from “Who’s The Boss” told an emotionally-charged story about Tony Danza’s legendary flatulence, Bonaduce continued to taunt me with his icy stare. He was relentless. But I was holding strong, and was not going to be cajoled into a fight. I did my best to ignore his unblinking gaze and tried to get as much as I could out of the meeting.

You see, these regular FCSS meetings are the only things that keep me grounded and sane during the crazy times in my roller coaster life. When Scott Baio and I were doing our one-man show together and the negative reviews started pouring in, I was hitting like four meetings a week. The life of a former child star is impossible to understand unless you’ve lived it. That’s why all my friends are fellow former child stars. We get each other. When things get to be too much, I have only to recite my mantra: “What would Eddie Munster do?”

So naturally, you can see how important these meetings are to me. Bonaduce trying to bust up my healing groove could only mean one thing: he had seen my recent interview on “Access Hollywood” and was jealous. Let me just say this. I didn’t even want to do the stupid show, but given all the recent developments in my career, the media has been all over me. That’s why they call it a comeback. The media pays attention. It’s not my fault, man. I only work my craft. Plus, who can blame them for interviewing me? I am a pretty interesting guy. The interview was only supposed to be a light fluff piece, with me talking about my massive comeback and sharing cute anecdotes from my days on “The Odd Couple.” But it ended up being a Pulitzer Prize-winning, in-depth slice of journalism. And Danny Bonaduce was pissed. Not my fault if you suck, Danny Partridge!

The support meeting turned ugly when Tootie from “The Facts Of Life” refused to spit out her gum. All hell broke loose, and Screech started to cry so hard he was convulsing. It was at that point that I confronted Bona-douche-bag. Because I’m a calm, even-tempered chap, I quietly and politely inquired as to whether Danny would like me to punch him in his stupid face. He responded by throwing scalding hot coffee in my eyes and stabbing me in the breadbasket with his Swiss Army knife. Now, anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I really hate being stabbed. Right then, the man in the back said “Everyone Attack” and it turned into a ballroom blitz.

Chairs, coffee cups, shoes and broken dreams flew through the air as we all showed what we were made of. Gary Coleman and that other little black kid, the one from “Webster,” ran around biting people on the crotch while I held both Punky Brewster in a figure four leg lock AND Bonaduce in a sleeper hold at the same time. The Brady kids had Valerie Bertinelli trapped in a corner and were beating her without mercy. Scott Baio, who has always been my right-hand man, injected Bonaduce with Windex while I had him down.

After what seemed like hours, Danny finally stopped moving. By this time, the other fisticuffs had also died down. Todd Bridges wouldn’t stop whining about not being able to feel his legs and in all there were four fatalities, not counting Danny Bonaduce. In a panic, Baio and I carried Danny’s lifeless form to Baio’s car just as Neil Patrick Harris was arriving at the meeting – late as usual. He was muttering something about having a big announcement to make. No need, Doogie Howser… we already knew you were gay.

As Chachi and I drove around in his Ford Festiva looking for a place to dump Bonaduce’s corpse, “Blinded By The Light” came on the radio. We cranked the volume and sang every word at the top of our lungs. It was so fun!

“Mama always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun…”

Man, that Springsteen can write a song. I don’t much care for him singing that one – I much prefer the Manfred Mann version. Classic! And on the subject of classics, Bat Out Of Hell III just came out, and it kicks ass. If you loved the original Bat Out Of Hell, do go out and pick up this new one. Meat Loaf sounds great, and the songs are over the top with dramatic arrangements that definitely stay true to the Bat tradition. Cheesy, operatic rock at its best!

I love that new show, "Studio 60" (NBC, Mondays at 9:00 Central). Check it out if you get the chance. Amanda Peet is on it.

That’s all for now,

Gull

(0) Comments • (0) Trackbacks • Permalink