Confessions of a Slapaholic

As I venture through life, trying like the dickens to spread sunshine and love wherever I go, I far too frequently encounter people who need to be slapped in the mouth with the back of my hand.

Of course, I generally don't surrender to the temptation. Usually what happens is I walk away from the situation muttering expletives and vowing to never allow myself to engage that person again. Sometimes though, I come in contact with people that I like to call "ITIs". The ITI (Impossible To Ignore) is the type of individual who says or does something so ignorant, so mindless, so diabolical....that they simply cannot be ignored. Something MUST be done when an ITI is encountered.

There are varying degrees of ITIs, with the appropriate responses also working on a sliding scale. For instance, if a morbidly obese woman is hitting her kid in a WalMart, the response would be different than if a booze-soaked guy was in line in front of you at the gas station buying and scratching off scores of lottery tickets. The lottery ticket guy needs to be hit in the back of the head with a shovel. The WalMart woman just requires a dirty look. So you see, how one responds to an ITI is tricky business. If I was to hit the WalMart woman in the head with a shovel, I might end up having to drive her repugnant kid home or something. And lets be honest: some kids need to be hit. In my day, our parents would beat us with chairs, table legs, the dog.....whatever was handy. And my generation is the last to have any sense of right and wrong. Don't get me started.

The most heinous of the ITIs.....the ones who require the most extreme reaction, are the ones who insist on opening their mouths when they really truly shouldn't. The ones who ignore the language, yet insist on communicating with me. Hear this now and know that it is true: If you tell me that you "COULD CARE LESS" about something, you are a fucking retard.

I say to Joe that our mutual friend Tim just got a new job.
Joe says: "I could care less about Tim's new job."
Joe at this point needs to be punched in the neck.

Can someone please explain to me why so many people say they "could care less" when what they really mean is that they COULDN'T care less??? The point of uttering this phrase is to communicate your lack of interest in something. Therefore, you COULDN'T care less about the thing in question. To say that you COULD care less is to say that you actually do care about the thing in question. Just thinking about this makes me want to take a flamethrower to someone. I want to kill Joe, and he doens't even exist! I'm actually shaking with rage right now. I need a moment.

Okay, I'm back. The other major transgressors in the language assault are the ones who say they are "Shopaholics", "Chocaholics", "Workaholics"........you know the ones. We all know someone who uses these words. These are the ones who shall for evermore be on the receiving end of a backhanded slap from yours truly (I also hate people who say"yours truly"). If you really like to shop, you are not a "Shopaholic". You are not addicted to shopahol. You do not eat to much chocahol, therefore you cannot possibly be a "Chocaholic". As for the "Workaholic" thing........well, you get it. Alcoholics are called that because they are addicted to alcohol. The "ic" suffix is attached to a word to indicate that something or someone is connected with a particular thing. The particular thing in question in the case of an alcoholic is alcohol. The "ahol" part is not part of the suffix, it's part of the fucking root word! Now I'm in a rage again.

Be warned. If I hear anyone using any of these words, I will slap them across the mouth with the back of my hand. Why? Because I'm a goddamned Slapaholic.

And don't forget to come and see me perform my warm, fuzzy brand of comedy at Northern Lights Theatre at Potawatomi Casino in Milwaukee on Saturday, December 16th. 2 shows, 8 & 10PM.

Love & Unicorns,

Gull

Michael Gull's comedy is like a cup of police station coffee: dark, strong, bitter and definitely an eye-opener. Also, it makes you pee a lot. For more pictures, his astrological sign and a complete schedule of Michael's appearances, visit www.myspace.com/renegadecomic