Siblings at Birth

My best friend Becca says her first memory is of seeing her baby sister being born at home. She was two years old and the impression was profound. Becca came away from that experience with a deep belief in the normalcy of childbirth and a real understanding of the importance of the new baby in the family.

My two youngest kids (now three and almost six) were born at home. When I was planning for the home birth of Emma, my second, questions about planning for Lena's (then two and-a-half) care and involvement naturally arose. Even though she was very young, she was really excited about the new baby, and eventually my husband and I decided we'd try letting her be present for as much of the birth as we all felt comfortable with when the time actually came.

If you're planning a homebirth, talk with your midwife about your desire to have your child with you during the labor and birth. She will probably have a lot of good suggestions for you. Many hospitals also now allow children to be present, if you agree to their protocols. To find out more about this, call the Labor and Delivery floor at the hospital where you're planning to give birth.

Children can be a wonderful addition at the birth of their sibling, provided a few things happen long before mom feels her first contraction. The first step is to determine whether or not the child wants to be there. If you have a child who says flat-out, "No thanks, mom, I'd rather go to Grandma's and wait with the rest of the family," you have to respect that. And while a lot of kids are pretty sure they want to be there, they want to know they can change their minds, even at the last minute.

After you've determined that your child wants to be present, the single most important thing you need to do is to find a dedicated caretaker for your child. Your child needs be completely comfortable with this person! While we all hope that our labors will go smoothly and quickly, there's always the possibility that your child is going to be with the caretaker for 24 or more hours. The person you pick for this job needs to have a basic understanding of birth. Also, the caretaker needs be available around the clock, because we never know when labor will start. And then, this person should also understand that they may or may not be present for the birth, as you, or your child, could have a change of heart at any point.

If you're thinking about having a child present at your next birth, it is vitally important that you talk to your child about the mechanics. The child needs to know ahead of time, in no uncertain terms, where the baby is going to come out from. Until I explained it all to Lena, she thought I was going to sneeze Emma out through my nose. I've also talked to children who believe the baby will squeeze itself through Mom's belly button or will be pooped out! Imagine how shocked these kids would be if they witnessed a birth without getting the straight skinny first.

To help your child understand all of this, you can watch birth videos together. Your local library, childbirth educator, doula, or midwife should be able to help you find these. If any of your friends or family members have videotapes or photos of their births, you can ask to borrow them.

If you think there's any chance your child might be with you through your labor and birth, you should spend some time preparing him or her in advance. There are several parts to this. One of the most important things you can do is to be honest with your child about the possibility that there could be pain and blood.

A lucky 4f women say they feel no pain in labor, but the rest of us have at least a little and most of us have quite a lot. Explain to your child that this is normal pain, and that it ends as soon as the baby's out. If your child is old enough, you can explain the difference between this kind of pain and suffering.

Most women lose an average of two cups of blood during childbirth. Telling your kids ahead of time about the blood can, in most cases, completely alleviate the fear most kids feel when they see someone bleeding. You can explain that there is a certain amount of blood that comes out when the baby is born, but it's good blood, it's not telling us that something is wrong. You can also take a big measuring cup and fill it with two cups of water and some red food coloring. Show it to your child so they can what two cups looks like. Then take your child and the cup outside and pour it out on the driveway, so they can see that two cups can look like a lot, but it's still really just two cups.

Another really important thing to prepare your child for is the sound of labor. Most women do not labor silently. They breathe deeply and audibly, they sigh, they moan. Some women are fairly quiet, but some are quite noisy as they work through their labor. Tell your child about this ahead of time. Imitate the noises you might make in labor for them, and encourage them to make the noises with you.

You can explain that sometimes people make noise when they're working hard and then you can illustrate this by exaggerating your own sounds when you're lifting something heavy or reaching for something far away. I attended a birth in December of 2002 where there was a three year old boy, waiting for his new brother or sister. His mama was being fairly loud in her effort to get the baby out, and she was worried that it was scaring him. At her request, I went to check in with him in the living room, and overheard him telling his aunt, "Oh good, Mom's working really hard now! The baby will be here soon soon soon!"

Lena was at the birth of her baby brother when she was five years old. It was a little intimidating for her, but she still talks about it frequently with lots of enthusiasm. She had a very important job to do during the birth. She got to announce the baby's sex, and she was so thrilled to say, "It's A Boy!" She's told me that as soon as he was born, she wanted to teach him things and keep him safe. She said that she loved him right away, "even though he had blood on him, and was a little funny looking."

A lot of people think birth is too scary for children, that it is wholly inappropriate to include them in such an event. And while it may be too scary for some kids, birth is the most natural of all body functions. When children grow up seeing and hearing that birth is okay, and is safe most of the time, they take the knowledge with them into adulthood. VS

Lucky Tomaszek is a mother, certified doula, homebirth midwife, childbirth educator, La Leche League leader, member of the Care Network and freelance writer. Her hobbies include catnapping and knitting. More information about her midwifery practice is available at http://www.laborgrrl.com