Spider-Man 3

Starring: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church and Topher Grace

Written by: Sam Raimi and Ivan Raimi

Directed by: Sam Raimi

Distributor: Columbia Pictures

Rated: PG-13

There is a scene in Spider-Man 3 in which Stan Lee makes a speaking cameo at long last, having been cut from most of the first two Spider-Man films. Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is watching an electronic news ticker in downtown Manhattan. The news is that Spider-Man is now considered a hero and will be awarded the key to the city. The well-known head of hair, dark glasses and wrinkled smile steps into frame next to Parker and says, “It seems that one person really can make a difference. Nuff said.”

It’s a contrived scene. But contrivances and mishmash are what make up and hurt most of this summer’s first big blockbuster.

In Spider-Man 3, our besieged hero finds four storylines that spanned hundreds of comic book issues crammed into 140 minutes.

Storyline 1: Peter Parker/Spider-Man is a successful superhero, a good boyfriend and an excellent college student at the beginning of the film. In short order thereafter, an alien symbiote hiding inside a fallen meteorite just happens to find Peter and girlfriend Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) one night and proceeds to hang out in his crappy apartment waiting for the right moment to make him act like he’s on diet pills.

Storyline 2: Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church) is an escaped con running from the police while he tries to get money to his sick daughter. Oh, and he is suddenly declared the real killer of Peter’s Uncle Ben. He falls into an experimental particle spinner filled with sand which binds with his atomic structure – thus creating the visually-impressive Sandman.

Storyline 3: Pete’s longtime friend Harry Osborn (James Franco) has officially wigged out like his father the Green Goblin, and becomes something more like “Knifey Floating Snowboarder” to take out Spider-Man.

Storyline 4: Meanwhile, Peter has competition at the Daily Bugle in the guise of up-and-coming freelance photographer Eddie Brock (Topher Grace). Eddie is in love with Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard), who is crushing on Spider-Man. Something happens to Eddie, who is standing in THE wrong spot at the wrong time.

Still with me? Geez. Nuff Said.

All of the gravitas that make modern comic books great is reduced to the stuff of free dentist office comic books. No scene with heart is allowed to last longer than a few seconds and no piece of dialogue gets too wordy or complex. Storylines that were once organic in print become conveniently placed within the terms of the film.

The special effects in Spider-Man 3 are special as usual, but often long in coming. Anything that was director Sam Raimi circa Evil Dead 2 (1987) has been replaced with Sam Raimi circa For Love of the Game (1999).

By the time you read this, Spider-Man 3 has broken the record for most expensive movie at an estimated $258 million (2005’s King Kong previously held the title). Over its opening weekend, it broke more records, earning $358 million worldwide. This nearly breaks Columbia Studios who spent another $125 million to market it.

In the end, Spider-Man 3 is a movie coasting on the goodwill of the people who have loved a character for 45 years. It certainly isn’t a movie that boasts great performances from its leads, who seem to sleepwalk through most of their scenes and have not expressed much interest during promotional stops about the film.

If anything, all the side characters and villains have the more interesting writing and acting. One aches for the scenes with Flint Marko and his ex-wife to go a little longer. The scenes with J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons) are hilarious, but too short. Bruce Campbell again steals the show as a French maitre’d.

In this cartoon world, all the women in New York are supermodel gorgeous. In the same scene, the perennially broke Parker emerges from a clothing store in expensive fashions. Also, Spider-Man seems to have forgotten about his spidey-sense and sometimes the web fluid in his wrists. But now we’re just nitpicking.

In all, I did enjoy Spider-Man 3 under the sex as bad pizza analogy. It was still pizza. Let’s give it 2 ½ stars or half-a-thumb up since I was buzzed on wine (see Palladium review), and now we bow our heads and pray that Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer will redeem the idea of modern film’s superhero movie. [Plant tongue firmly in cheek] VS